How Do You Say Goodbye to a Child?
Tonight I will not sleep, I cannot sleep. I sit wondering how I will move forward regardless of the pain. I sit thinking of more that I might have done, and if I did would it have made any difference at all? Faced with the knowledge that there is nothing more you can do to help your own child, you must let go, and yet how can you? How can you let go knowing they will continue to hurt themselves and others? How can you acknowledge your powerlessness over the situation and over the evil that is so prevalent? The battle is not in the flesh alone and yet it is my very flesh that is so weak. My body aches with the hurt. I have given all that I am to a child who may never understand the point. I wasn't there to protect her when she was little, I didn't knit her together or hold her life in my hands and yet I feel this need to demand and decide her fate. I want her to be whole, I want to be able to fix all the problems and hold her tight... I want what I cannot have. I long for a power I don't even understand. So how do I let her go? How do I say good-bye to a child I fought so hard to keep? I am told I should be content in knowing the good that I have done. What good? What good have I accomplished that can make this hurt any less? How do I comfort my husband when I have no words? How do I tell our story, her story and help people understand that her life, her soul is on the line? How do I hold everything together and keep giving, what have I left to give?
And yet, a still small voice whispers in my sorrow. It is calm and bold. "Be still and know that I am God," it says. Does that bring me comfort? Yes, because all I am certain of right now are my own limitations. I know I don't have the answers, strength or courage. I know that I know very little and need God desperately. I know that I must trust him even in the midst of this. How do I know? Because every fiber of my being desperately feels that need, I need God. I can't do this on my own. Am I just weak? YES! Horribly so. And yet I am grateful for my weakness for the first time in my life. It is then that I feel the very presence of my maker, and I still and I am thankful that HE is God.