How I Almost Ended up Back in My Pit
I am a planner. Not a planner in the super detailed-type-A sort of way, more like life planning, think-through-all-the-possibilities sort of way. I like to think everything through, at times to the point of ridiculousness. After all it is one of my favorite lies to tell myself, if I plan for every possible contingency then maybe I am the one in control? Right. And so it was with that mindset that I have approached my weight loss journey…I thought I had mentally weighed out every possible issue I would be truly challenged with. That was just stupid.
First, I do not need to know the future. A theme seems to be running through my adult life so far and it can be summed up in just one sentence: Do I trust God? Often I will say, "Yes!" and then go back to trying to control things myself…that, dear readers, is NOT trust. And when I recently got the proverbial curve ball thrown at me I could hear God's still small voice ask me yet again, "Do you trust me?" Ever so aware of my lack of strength or my ability to do even do one day on my own, I chose to answer, "Yes." And then I stopped planning…but not before I almost fell back into my familiar pit.
Yes, I was doing great. I was exercising and eating just like I was supposed to… until…
…the reality of the fact that there are certain foods I will NEVER eat again began to sink in and my weight plateaued.
…I struggled to figure out what was next for my professional life.
…both my adult daughters moved back home, and then one moved back out.
…I got into a disagreement with my husband.
…my littles decided to color their bedroom walls.
…I let someone manipulate me into believing I was worthless, yet again.
I could go on. Maybe you can relate to some of those things, maybe you can't. The point is that I was finding myself slipping into that old familiar pit. I was at the edge. And then I forced myself to remember…
…how far I have come. I am not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.
…that I can do all things through Christ.
…that it doesn't matter what I do as long as I am doing what God has for me.
…that God is big enough to deal with my kids, and with my big fat feelings.
…that God was the center of my marriage, and I will not give that up.
…that one can always paint walls.
…and that I am NOT worthless.
And then I realized something…
I really am learning how to fight for ME. I really am different…and God is SO not done with me yet. And to think how easy it would have been to just give up, to try to "plan" things out again…to once again choose misery over freedom. And then I had my "ah ha moment", I realized I really am learning how to trust Him. And dear reader, my mind cannot fathom the depth of the power there is in that one statement. No matter what comes, I trust the God of my yesterdays, todays and tomorrows.
For the latest information on my weight loss journey, check out my latest video: