In Over My Head
"You're in over your head."
That is what the counselor said to me about our teenage daughters recently. And I think he is right. Of course, I have been in over my head since I left the birth canal...
So, what is the point of this musing? To be real! I am so tired of fake people, with fake smiles, living fake lives, like things are always "okay" or "great" when that is crap! The truth is that sometimes we are in over our heads. Sometimes it is hard to take the next breath. Sometimes it is hard to trust. Sometimes it is hard to smile. People ask me regularly how I can do all that I do when it seems impossible to them.
The answer is simple.
I am selfish, I think.
I want to know that I matter -- that my life matters -- and so I pour myself out (that which is left after all of the battles within) to those who could never repay me. I know the cost full well; it is everything! A life of comfort and ease, where everything is okay, is no longer my ambition. I wanted a life that was full of seeing the wonders and works of God. What I did not know is that God would say yes and I would be the "thing" that would need changed the most.
Every moment is another opportunity to be broken and to die to yourself. A little over a year ago I laid on what seemed to be my death bed, feeling my life slip away. My choice to not terminate the only pregnancy I will likely ever know was costing me my own life. I watched the medical personnel scramble about attending to me with my family crying and praying, and I watched the heartbeat monitor get turned off so that the alarm would no longer sound. I watched and thought, "I feel peace and grace like I have never known." I had to smile. I was in over my head and I found that God's grace is sufficiently sweet no matter what the situation or cost. I smiled because through God's grace I had given all of me, and it was worth the cost. I understood just a little better why God feels that we are worth the cost to give all of himself to us in his Son.
So each person I have the opportunity to serve and love I do it without reservation and with a reckless abandon because they are worth the cost! And I pray that when I stand before God with tears in my eyes I can say "I was in over my head, and there I found you, God." I have learned to be grateful for the times when I am in over my head, because then I am changed and I am clear on my desperate need for God alone.
I am in over my head, and it kills me daily. I mess up more then I do things right. I am one of the most broken, sinful people I know, and yet God is willing to use the "screw ups" in the world like me. His grace is sufficient.
To all my friends and family that read this, know that I love you dearly.