A Morning in My Life
7:00 I awake to the sound of Bethany's cries.
7:01 I roll out of bed to attend to the screaming baby and remember I really have to use the bathroom.
7:02 Emily greets me while I am sitting on the potty. She explains that she needs to use it right then as well.
7:03 William and Emily are asking for "celeal" and Sesame Street as I am grabbing Bethany.
7:04 I am wishing I could go back to bed while the incessant chirping of Emily and William remind me that I can sleep when I die.
7:05 I realize that Bethany soaked through her diaper. I remember why I didn't like to wet myself as a kid.
7:06 I change Bethany as she and William and Emily are screaming for their breakfast. I threaten to go back to bed if they don't quiet down. Bethany decides she wasn't done going potty and that I needed a whole different type of shower.
7:07 I strip down to my underwear, grab cereal for the toddlers, get a bottle for the baby, and call for Ariana.
7:15 I have now called Ariana downstairs three times, and I start up the stairs. I arrive in her room just in time for her to come to her door. It takes her exactly 1 second to notice that I am not wearing my clothes, and she shrieks. I threaten to start dancing with her while I am in my underwear if she doesn't go and keep an eye on the kids while they eat. She immediately runs down the stairs.
7:18 I jump in the shower for a quick wash.
7:19 Emily has opened the shower door and is asking for a shower too. The water has already gotten her wet. I explain that she just got one, and I shut the door and call for Ariana again.
7:20 Ariana calls for Emily, and Emily tells me I am a mean mommy.
7:25 I finish my shower in time to hear William screaming as he walks up the stairs. I momentarily wonder if I really have to leave my bedroom.
7:28 I go downstairs, clean up breakfast, and head back upstairs to get the kids dressed.
7:30 I am ready for nap time, and then I remember that everyone has only been awake for 25 minutes. I start to dress Bethany but am interrupted when William takes a toy from Emily, and Emily smacks William. I tell Emily to go to time out while the baby crawls away. I grab the baby and quickly put an outfit on her. I place myself strategically at the door so that no one can escape. Then I hurriedly start to dress William who completely refuses to dress himself. I began my daily explanation of, "Yes, I will let you leave the house naked in the cold if you don't pull up your pants." He begins to scream. Emily explains to me that he indeed has a penis, which makes him a boy, and that she has a vagina, which makes her a girl. Bethany starts to laugh and begins to put the dog's tail in her mouth. I am wondering what I was thinking when I wanted to be a mom.
7:45 All the children are dressed. Emily announces that she is a good girl and needs a treat. William is still screaming about putting on his clothes, and Bethany is still determined to eat the dog.
7:50 Everyone is loaded in the car. William is still screaming about not having all of his clothes on. Emily is telling him he made a bad choice. Ariana is still not awake. We take Greg to work because the second car is broken.
8:10 Greg gets out of the car. Emily and William call out "Ow ow dada, you a hottie!" (All right. This is my fault. I did say this a couple times, but come on...) The college students walking by make a mental note to stock up on their birth control.
8:25 We arrive back home, Ariana and I unload the children, and everyone files into the house.
8:26 I turn on the TV to my favorite show. The kids are mesmerized by Elmo and the stupid yellow bird. I know I have exactly 33 minutes to take a deep breath and get a stiff drink.
9:00 I turn off the TV. I read 3 different stories, and then I read their favorite story 5 different times. I remind William to please call them "socks" and not "cocks" for the millionth time or so. Emily wants a snack, and William wants a movie and a snack. I explain that snack time is not until 10:30, and then I realize they can't tell time.
9:45 I play games, edit pictures, take phone calls, and change diapers.
10:30 It's snack time, which should be a wonderful time of eating. I dole out the apple slices and string cheese. I attend to Bethany and explain that the KIX are not to be thrown at mommy. Emily and William have decided that string cheese does indeed make great table art. I thank them for letting me know that they are done with snack. William and Emily begin to cry. Emily informs me that I did not make a good choice.
11:00 It's time to run a few errands. I am not sure what state of insanity I enter during this time, but the details are blocked out due to post traumatic stress disorder.
12:30 I prepare a nice healthy lunch, which is never what they desire. Emily informs me again that she needs a treat, and William decides that his lunch can be eaten in only 3 bites! I clean them up, and I excitedly announce it is my favorite time of the day, nap time.