The Answer to "Why?"
Many people have asked why I am a foster parent, why I have gone through so much and worked so hard to be a mom. I finally realized how to explain my answer to that question. Most people become parents because of what it will do for them: how exciting it will be to have a child, someone to love them, someone to care for, and the list goes on. I think I started there. I wanted to become a mommy for all of those sweet reasons; I wanted to experience those moments for me.
It was somewhere between the infertility, foster parenting, and the death of my twin daughters that part of me died. It took all of that for me to truly die to my desires for what parenting should look like and even my desire to be a parent. Somewhere along that line God began to teach me that being a parent isn't about me and my desires. It is about God working through me to help another person grow, to teach them the truth, to lift them up to my heavenly Father. It is about allowing God to use my children to change me. I learned how truly limited I am, and I started to learn a bit about truly trusting God and His will. I thought I trusted God, but I came to realize that what I had once considered trust was not truly trust at all.
So why do I continue to parent? It's because for the first time in my life I am truly submitted to the will of God. I feel God's pleasure as I pour myself out as an offering to His children. I work in a darkness few will understand in their spiritual lives, and I am called to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. I fall, cry, and feel weak and unable. That's perfect because then God can finally work. I have nothing more to give, so He gives it all. I am nothing more then a willing vessel. And I understand this may all seem trite but it is absolutely true: I serve these kids because of the intimacy with God that I receive for doing so.